Play Misty for Me (1971) – See, this is why I don’t date women. So full of crazy. Not at all like men.
Best line in the whole movie goes to the maid, having been stabbed (by a rather inept stabbist) being wheeled out on a gurney, “It’s gonna cost double to clean up this mess.”
Fiddler on the Roof (1971) – I know, I know. I’m inviting bad luck, watching this movie for my thirteenth movie during Lent. And on a Sunday, no less! (spits twice) But who could hate a movie with a Lazar Wolf in it?
The Long, Hot Summer (1958) – Willfull young women with minds of their own need to be told what to do, kissed when they say no and slap you, and above all, they must be married off before they become willfull old women. All dialogue sounds more witty when it’s spoken on a sun porch with a refined Mississippi accent. And no one gets on that rocket ship without Angela Lansbury’s say-so.
Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983) – There, now I’ve seen them all. Now no one can give me shit about not having seen “the best” Star Wars movies.
Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980) – Oh, so that’s what everyone loves so much about the Star Wars universe. And that’s why Harrison Ford is considered sexy. But I still don’t understand how so many novelty screen wipes can become such a cultural phenomenon.
The Ice Harvest (2005) – Funny, poignant, cinematic film noir. All these things and more this movie fails to do right.
The Weather Man (2005) – I hate Nicholas Cage, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because he’s secretly a Coppola. But he’s the only Coppola I hate, and I don’t really hate anyone else for having a pseudonym, so that can’t be it. Maybe it’s because he named his son after Superman, but I hated him long before that. Who knows. But every time I see one of his movies, I hate him a little less, and with time, the irrational hatred regrows. This movie was pretty good, but I bet I’ll forget everything about it just in time to reluctantly watch my next Nicholas Cage movie.
And for those keeping score at home, despite a valiant effort, Michael Cane was unable to unseat Hugh Laurie as Best British Guy Doing an American Accent.
EDIT: No, wait. I hate Talia Shire. They really ought to be required to keep the Coppola name. Makes it easier for me to hate them. And Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Kennedy by marriage.
Der Blau Engel (The Blue Angel) (1930) – When we defeated Afghanistan and Iraq in war, it was to bring them democracy and free them from tyrany. When we defeated Germany in war, it was to bring them the art of filmmaking and to free them from this crap.
La Dolce vita (1960) – Ever the trendsetters, Rome of the sixties provided the model for LA of the eighties: rich pseudo-pseudo-intellectuals wallowing in their own senseless splendor.
“By 1965, it will be total perversion”