Grand Hotel (1932) – It was a simpler time. A time when Barrymores could act, Joan Crawford was pretty, the most beatiful woman who ever lived is only so-so, and all a movie had to do to win Best Picture was to be in focus.
The Accused (1988) – Oh, Jodie Foster, sweetie, you’ve got to stop this. You’re an excellent actor, and I’ve never seen you turn in a performance that was anything less than stellar. So why do you insist on making bad movies?
The Mark of Zorro (1940) – Once upon a time, California was populated by a mythical race of Mexicans and Spaniards. I know some of you may say they’re not mythical, but if that were the case, wouldn’t they have gotten at least one to appear in this movie?
Vertigo (1958) – The longest, most boring episode of Law & Order. Turns out Internal Affairs had the crown jewels the whole time.
Hustle & Flow (2005) – Either I just don’t get it, or the guy at Gamestop (where I bought this in bulk for about $5) doesn’t get it. Sure Terrence Howard is a good actor, but the church scene isn’t the finest scene I’ve ever seen. It’s not even the finest acting I’ve seen all week. It’s not even Terrence Howard’s finest scene. But apparently, it made Gamestop Guy cream his pants with artistic vision.
His Girl Friday (1940) – A couple of nobodies doing their best Hepburn-Tracy impersonation. They do swell.
One of these days, I oughta’ find me a fast-talkin’ dame who’ll make jokes from the 1930s.
Cleopatra (1963) – Seriously, guys, if I’m going to sit through a four-hour, Eropean-release version of one of history’s great romances, I expect to see some nudity, and I do not count the accidental glimpse of Richard Burton’s upper thigh under the little man skirt he wore. At this point, I’d settle for some Liz Taylor side-boob action.
300 (2006) – When you’re the queen of Sparta, you can get away with pretty much anything, just as long as you only barely wear your clothes.
Monster (2003) – I never realized what a hardship it was to be a serial killer. I want you all to turn to the serial killer next to you (or behind you) and give them a hug–thank them for all the hard work they do to keep our streets free of citizens.
Zodiac (2007) – Great. Thanks, movie. Now I’m afraid of animal crackers.
Job well done, though. I was scared enough by this movie that I really really didn’t want to do anything about the guy who went to see Zodiac alone and started to snore behind me.