Eastern Promises (2007) – Yes, I did get to see Viggo Mortensen naked, but he was being stabbed. I think I can manage to find nude celebrities who aren’t covered in blood.
Planet of the Apes (1968) – I have found evidence in the Forbidden Zone which suggests Charlton Heston once made a film that supported fairly progressive ideas. You must believe me, he wasn’t always entirely insane.
Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (1961) – So, let me see if I can understand the premise. The Van Allen Belt, a ring of unknown gas around the Earth, catches fire, and the only way to fix it is to take a submarine to the Mariana Trench and fire a missile up in order to overload the Van Allen Belt and explode it outward. I got that right, right?
I’m gonna save you all some trouble. Joan Fontaine gets a fatal dose of radiation, is revealed as the saboteur, and is eaten by a shark all in a thirty-second span.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004) – Just before I watched this movie, I finished reading the textbook for my film class. After everything I’ve learned about the production of film, all I can say about this is that it’s certainly not meant to be watched sober, which I completely am.
In the Valley of Elah (2007) – Paul Haggis has yet to employ subtlety. Watching the works of Paul Haggis is like being run over with a steam roller because someone thought you could stand to be a little flatter.
The Thin Blue Line (1988) – Note to self: Don’t go to Texas. Don’t pick up a stranger on the road. Don’t talk to unstable sixteen-year-olds. Don’t associate with future murderers. Stay the hell out of Texas.
Deep Throat (1972) – Better than I expected, but I’m glad it was only an hour long. But when I say “better than I expected”, I’m not sure what I was expecting. In the end, it was really just porn with some jokes, and better acting than I’ve seen in most porn. Not that I’ve seen most porn.
Jesus Camp (2006) – It’s been a while since I’ve seen a documentary where the filmmakers don’t insert themselves. It made it extra creepy for me. What’s worse, hardcore Christians would see the very same film and take it as support for their side.
Also, hello to those in this movie from Lee’s Summit, Missouri whom I may have known when I lived a few miles north of you and your creepy, creepy church. I was attending the church that owned the enormous stadium and the pointed nautilus building, and you’re the ones who give me the heebie-jeebies.
Animal House (1978) – Darien told me when this movie started that it was National Lampoon when that meant something. I have since come to believe that National Lampoon never meant anything it doesn’t mean now, but that now, it means straight-to-video.
I’m Not There (2007) – Watching this movie is a lot like listening to Bob Dylan’s music. It’s largely incomprehensible, but you’re sure it’s saying something. It’s beautiful to behold, and you’re sure that if you paid close enough attention and enough times, you might understand what it’s saying. But like the music of Bob Dylan, once just isn’t enough to really understand this garbled gibberish.