Identity (2003) – In throwing out the most ridiculous solutions to this mystery, I’d like the record to reflect the fact that I totally called two stupid things that ended up being right. I would have had a third if I’d had the nerve to say out loud that someone was going to explicitly reference And Then There Were None.
Paul (2011) – If you like Pegg-Frost movies, this is one of those. I like Pegg-Frost movies. Your results may vary.
The Quiet Man (1952) – So, an American who’s actually Irish (but who is actually John Wayne, and God help us all if he tries to do an accent, so he’s American) comes to Ireland. It’s not set in the American West, so it’s not a Western, technically. Oh, and also he’s a boxer, I guess. That’s so he can punch the shit out of somebody later. And the scene where he drags his wife by the arm for five miles: priceless.
Julius Caesar (1953) – I spent two hours trying to come up with something funny or at least irreverent to say about this movie, but even Marlon Brando–the most predominantly American member of the classically trained cast–managed to deliver speeches that brought tears to my eyes. The best I’ve got is to say that I would do unspeakably filthy things to Marlon Brando, James Mason, and, yes, even John Gielgud.
If I may “borrow” a line from a facebook friend of a facebook friend: “Look out, Casca is going to come at you with a knife on March 15th” might have been a more useful prophecy.
Manhattan (1979) – Thank God this took place entirely within Manhattan. We were already dealing with Woody Allen bitching about women and television and people who aren’t him, I’m not sure I could have enjoyed this movie if he’d spent any time bitching about places that aren’t New York.
True Grit (1969) – By no means is this a great or even good movie, but I’ll at least say it’s far better than anyone gives it credit for.
Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010) – No matter how good the Batman cartoon–and my sources who care assure me this is a very good one–I’ll still talk over it, given enough booze. I don’t know, Robin, something something, hotdog in a suit, blah blah blah, turf wars and so on, daddy issues, et cetera. You fill in the rest.
Confessions of a Superhero (2007) – Crazy, Angry, Slutty and Sad teach us some important lessons about life. The most important lesson: at least you’re not posing for photos with tourists on Hollywood Boulevard for tips. Good for you.
Battle: Los Angeles (2011) – Getting this down fast while I still remember that I saw this movie. By this time tomorrow, it’ll have faded into obscurity in my memory with every other military or alien invasion movie I’ve seen in the last ten years.
This movie runs according to the formula: ten to fifteen minutes of creating the broadest characters you’re supposed to care about, the rest of it dramatically killing them in the most predictable and obvious ways (“He didn’t deserve that! He didn’t deserve to die!“). The closest I came to caring about any of them was deciding which ones I wanted to die first. Unfortunately, the most insufferable characters live to the end.
The Threepenny Opera (Die 3 Groschen-Oper, 1931) – I’m just going to get this out of the way: Bobby Darrin ruined “Mack the Knife”. Sing it in German with more menacing lyrics and an organ-grinder beat. I know, I know, just trust me. It turns out the song about a man who goes around stabbing people is supposed to be creepy.
I really do love Weimar-era film, which is good, since the chorus is rehearsing a show about Weimar-era Berlin.
So here we go: year 6. If I can’t be punctual, may I at least be funny sometimes.