The Secret of Kells (2009) – Perfectly charming. It’s a shame this had to be up against Up for the Oscar. I guess 2009 was a good year for animation.
Pina (2011) – Without the slightest bit of hyperbole, I feel confident saying this is the greatest, most beautiful, sexy thing that ever was and probably ever will be. You need to see this in the theater, in 3D.
Are you listening to me, James Cameron? That is how you do 3D, you son of a bitch.
Oscar-Nominated Short Films, Animated
- Dimanche / Sunday – Oh, French Canadians, don’t ever change.
- A Morning Stroll – Chickens and zombies. All it needs is a ninja-pirate… no, that’s not fair. Despite the zombies, it was cute. Maybe it started to beat a dead horse by the end, but a cute dead horse.
- Wild Life – Holy shit, you guys. I want a pet Canadian. Someone get me one, please? This was beautiful, and I pick it to win. To keep with my traditional wrongness, watch for the Academy to declare a four-way tie among all the other entries.
- The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore – Hey, guess what? Having a long title doesn’t make your film clever. Cleverness does, not that you’d know anything about that, Morris Lessmore creators.
- La Luna – Pixar. Adorable. That about sums it up.
- Skylight – I take it back about A Morning Stroll. This is what we call beating a dead horse. Needed to be about half as long.
- The Hybrid Union – No major objections. Carry on.
- Nullarbor – I don’t care about Australia or cars, so it’s hard to give even half a shit about this one.
- Amazonia – Really? What kind of asshole actually includes an audience cheering and applauding for their shitty cartoon? Really?
Oscar-Nominated Short Films, Live-Action
- Pentecost – This year’s Irish Children Have a Hard Life entry. It at least has the decency to be brief. Also, Ireland? I make the liturgical jokes around here, back off.
- Raju – If you’ve ever watched a season (any season) of The Amazing Race, you’ve seen the episode where they go somewhere exceptionally poverty-stricken–usually India–and some privileged twit wanders around in a taxi crying about the plight of these poor people, swearing that they’ll do something for poor people as soon as they get home. Germany made a short film out of that episode.
- The Shore – Although Pentecost was Irish, and some poor kid was very put-upon, it wasn’t depressing, so Northern Ireland gave us an uneven comedy that invoked The Troubles and a man with one arm. The lesson: don’t worry about people you’ve offended; they probably don’t remember the situation accurately anyway, and your daughter is being overbearing and whiny.
- Time Freak – Cute, I guess, but I feel like I’ve seen this before. At a porn festival. The porn version was better.
- Tuba Atlantic – This year’s Scandinavians With Daddy Issues. I didn’t think they were going to make it about daddy issues this year, seeing as it’s about a very old man with no children, but then he talked about his father! For all the shit I give Scandinavians for their Freudian issues, this one is my pick to win. As usual, I expect to be wrong.
Stagecoach (1939) – The casual racism and swaggering machismo of 1930s Hollywood is a nice change from yesterday’s sampling of the formal racism and rigid machismo of 1930s Berlin. This one actually had non-white people in it, too.
Year seven, everybody! You know, sometimes people ask me how I can stand to do this, six and a half weeks at a time, each and every year. I admit, it can be grueling, but you have to remember that it’s all worth it in the end. Truly, it requires a…
Triumph of the Will (Triumph des Willens, 1935) – …hahahaha! Oh god, there’s something wrong with me. I just sat down and watched two hours of Adolph Hitler shouting at parades, all for a cheap joke. It won’t all be like this, I swear.
Okay, so I don’t know what’s up for tomorrow or Friday, but Saturday will be the Oscar-nominated short films at the Varsity on University Way. Live-Action at 4:50pm and Animated at 7:15pm. Be there or don’t, whatever.