The Last Temptation of Christ (1988) – I was totally watching this movie, and I didn’t need other people’s interpreteations to understand what teh fuck was goig on. I completely don’t intend to watch this again tomorrow to make sense of what happened. I’m wine-sober.
The Orphanage (El orfanato, 2007) – I always hate it when I get to the end of the story an hour ahead of any of the characters. I spend all that time waiting for them to catch the hell up. When ghosts give you a clue, you fucking follow it! You don’t spend six months crying and fretting, wondering what this fucking clue is supposed to mean.
Paprika (2006) – I have enough trouble making sense of my own dreams–assuming there’s sense to be made of them–without dealing with Japan’s bizarre surreal nonsense.
Snakes on a Plane (2006) – An exercise in the many, many ways in which we can attach snakes to people, regardless of their species or natural tendancy to attach themselves to people.
Mildred Pierce (1945) – Anyone who liked Mommie Dearest should see this. It plays almost like a preliminary answer to that. The description the Tivo gave was “A woman makes sacrifices for an ungrateful daughter.”
Ushpizin (אושפיזין, 2004) – Netflix calls this a comedy, imdb calls it a drama. I was too wrapped up figuring out the details of the Sukkot traditions to really notice if anything was funny.
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002) – I have now seen the worst-reviewed movie of all time. You would really think people’s careers would be ruined over this, but no. Lucy Liu and Antonio Banderas continue to make movies and tv appearances. Even the director has a movie in the works. There is no justice in the world.
The Exorcist (1973) – Some might call it suspenseful. I call it serious pacing problems. In one scene, the mother (Ellen Burstyn) is on the phone, trying desperately to get through to someone. She shouts at the operator “Don’t tell me to be calm! I’ve been on the line for twenty fucking minutes!” This scene is about twenty minutes into the film. I assume she was trying to get ahold of the plot. About an hour later, it returns her call.
Teen Wolf (1985) – Even taking into account that it was the ’80s, the music was terrible. I hope someone had a hard time getting work with this on their résumé. But aside from the music, this movie was well done.
Metropolis (1927) – Darien’s going to be mad when he reads this and realizes I watched another good silent movie without him. For those who don’t know, it’s essentially a prequel to Blade Runner with socialist overtones. I’d never heard the legend of the Tower of Babel told with such a humanist bent.